The story of one relationships or the other side of the Europeans

This story, which I write, sitting in front of the window of my country house's bedroom, began three years ago and started because of this house.

In early 2015, when Ukraine was in the war, people were frightened, the economy collapsed and property prices plummeted, I decided to invest all my savings in a suburban house near Kiev. At the same time, I had been dating for 2 years with a foreigner, an Irish citizen, who, as he presented it to me, gave up a good job in Paris and came to me in Kiev to build our relationship. There was a war in the country and I was busy with trying to save my business and savings. Therefore, I did not have time to think about how I could build relationships with a person who has not been working for 2 years.

Thus at the beginning of 2015 I began to look for the house to invest. Next spring I found the one that sunk into the heart from the first view. The price was slightly higher than my budget, but the owner obviously wanted to sell this house in any way and in a couple of months I managed to bring down the cost to the amount that leaves no doubt that the house was worth buying.

At the same time, my Irish boyfriend who needed to leave Ukraine every three months due to migration rules offered me his hand and heart. He could not offer more than that, but promised that he would get a good job in Ukraine as soon as he gets residence permit, or, at the worst scenario of war, he would take me to Paris as his wife.

In June 2015, I pledged a house and we started to prepare for our wedding, which was scheduled for September. Despite a long and beautiful relationship with my husband to be, the deal had to be completed before the wedding. Everything was going well, the war in the country ceased, the business did not fall apart, the dress was bought, the invitations sent out, and, to top it all, my daughter was developing a proper relationship with her boyfriend. The only unpleasant moment was a delay with documents, which would allow the current owner to sell the house. I faced a choice: to postpone the wedding, to buy a house without documents or wait for documents and buy a house after the wedding,

Well, what kind of woman would I be if I did not choose the last option!

As a businesswoman, I was used to losing. Though marrying a person who does not have work and investments it was necessary to consider how to protect your savings. Therefore, we agreed that by signing the purchase agreement we indicate in the contract of purchase that the house was bought for my savings made before marriage, so new husband could not claim it as joint property. As he was assuring me he never would.

The story of our love ended with a beautiful wedding first in Kiev and a week later in Ireland, where the Catholic Church blessed our union. Upon our return to Kiev, the documents were finally ready and in a couple of weeks, not only a pretty Irishman was belonging to me, but also a beautiful country house. There was the most necessary furniture in the house, but I, already used to a certain level of comfort, did not hurry to move into the house, which needed to be changed to become a home.

When we create a family, we must learn to make compromises. It is easier when you are young and have nothing but your plans for the rest of your life, then a compromise is at a much smaller scale. But when you have a working business behind, some property, an adult daughter who has been inspiring you for decades to get a better place in life, making compromises becomes harder. It is difficult to be a caring wife and obey your new husband when you see that the man does not put much effort to support the new family and time is running. My new Irish husband Padraig O’Farrell told me not to be a princess and move to the house in its initial state to live there as it was for a while and try to understand what changes we would want to make there.

And then the biggest fight in my life began, the struggle between me, who was strong, creative, able to make decisions, who had enough skills and money to create an interior and landscape for my taste and a woman who wanted to be weak, pliable and listen to her husband's opinion. I gave way to my husband and we moved to a comfortable but unfinished house to build a new family and planning house’s furnishing and decoration.

It was a difficult struggle with myself. Waking up every morning in an unfinished house and seeing the state of construction on the territory where my image was drawing a flowering garden, pool, alcove, pergolas, but I stubbornly tried to "enjoy." Discussions on decoration and my already more persistent questions when we were going to start doing something started to turn into quarrels. My active core was winning and I did not want to get along with the laziness of my husband anymore. The man did not want to work for someone, his ideas for business could not come up and he did not see how he wanted to improve the house.

Over a year of our family existence I was able to push through an idea to break the area into zones, and on 6 acres around the home make a decorative garden, lawn and flowerbeds.

Hot discussions of new kitchen and bedroom killed our family. I'm not trying to shield myself, probably a woman needs to be softer and more cunning, I made mistake after mistake. The main mistake was by that time in the past and it was very difficult to fix it. We did not plan our family before the wedding; I did not say what was important to me, that my husband should match me in not only hobbies but also financially. We did not agree which place we should take in each other’s lives, what time we should devote to other members of our family, our friends, work/business, hobbies and allocate a personal space. During the first year of the new family, I abandoned business to spend more time with my husband who did not have other friends and acquaintances in Kiev. I almost stopped communicating with relatives and many friends who did not know English and could not keep up the conversation with my Irish husband. I stopped attending international conferences, since after appearing on several accompanied by my husband I became uncomfortable answering the questions of my colleagues why he does not trust me to go to the conference alone. The most painful in this situation were his attempts to limit my time with my only daughter, who by that time graduated from the University of London and returned to Kiev while she was looking for a permanent job in England, as required by migration rules.

In December 2016 we decorated Christmas tree and were preparing for celebrations. My mother stayed with me and on an early Christmas morning, I went downstairs to the kitchen to have tea with my mother. Near the teapot, Padraig’s phone flashed steadily and the messages appeared on the screen periodically. I saw my name in one flash and opened the correspondence, as we never considered the phone being a personal space. Scrolling several screens of correspondence with his German friend whom I was a little acquainted with, I was shocked to learn that for last weeks he had been discussing with her the coming break with me. According to chat, he was waiting for the right moment to hit me harder with this news. The news came as an absolute surprise. Yes, we quarreled more often, yes, I began to get annoyed that my interests were not considered. But, no matter what, I was ready to get old with this man and respected him. My family fell apart in a matter of seconds. I breathed deeply and tried to calm down, but I understood that this no longer made any sense. I flew up to the second floor, started the phone in the sleeping and just a minute ago beloved man, hurriedly packed my bags, put the dogs and my mother into the car and went to my apartment to lick my wounds.

At the end of 2016, I was weak. I gave up to excuses, which later became the charges, and for the next ten months we were constantly together and parted. Passions and rage ran high, we changed three psychologists, tried therapy, yoga and dancing, we went a couple of times to expensive holiday, I thought I'd find a way to bring back that happy state in which we had swam for two years before marriage. My husband even caved to my persistent wishes of his employment and began to work remotely for the Kyiv office of international auditing company.

In November 2017 faithful Google warned me that I share my geo-data live with Padraig O'farrell. It seemed the last straw for me but my husband expected my reaction. Picking up the keys of my car and our house, as in the winter we often stayed during the week in the apartment, he took the dogs on the leash, picked up the packed bag and left me to stay in the house. Three days later, while I was still confused about whether I should file the divorce, he registered his claim for divorce and half of the house, breaking his promises. He tells everyone that it's the fault of Ukrainian law and not his that he claims half of the house instead of moving on and building his future back in Europe.

Now, for almost a year the trial continues. We don't communicate, even throw lawyers, don't attend the court hearing as our presence does not change anything. We have very good lawyers, and because of this, the court constantly receives new materials, which delay the court decision in someone's favor.

All this time my house was criminally captured by my technically still husband who has changed all locks not allowing me to get inside and not been paying any utility bills. I had to call the police hoping to get inside in their presence but our legislation is that week that they couldn't get inside if he rejected to open the door. The situation turned into a criminal detective, especially considering the fact that Padraig O'farrel for the last six months stays illegally in the country. His previous residence permit ended a year ago and he was unable to get a new one due to my statement to the migration office that we are getting a divorce and I can't guarantee his stay in the country.

In August 2018, the police opened a criminal case for the citizen of Ireland Padraig O'farrell and got my permission to get into the house to question Padraig O'farrel on seizing my house and his status in the country.

The detention continued for three hours and ended with the smashing of the windows, call for the reinforcements, his attempt to escape across rooftops, then being handcuffed and delivered to the Department of the migration service to clarify his status and the threat of deportation. And when the police left him with the migration department, the officers of the migration department were afraid of the international scandal with the European Union. Despite all efforts of the police for the previous three hours, Padraig O'farrell was sent home and ordered to pay a fine of 5000 hryvnias (less than 200 Euro!) for violation of migration legislation.

In a neglected and destroyed house, he was expected to fail. I couldn't be sure that my country can protect me from mad European. We change the locks, closed windows, collected his personal belongings, and expected his possible return with the security service, who had strict instructions not to let anyone into the territory of my house. Attempt to get inside with the help of neighbors, who were attracted here with such a bright show, with a call to the police, who were not supportive even to European after his morning resistance, fail.

Padraig had to pick up his things and retreat.

Today I am writing this sad story of marriage to a citizen of the European Union sitting in my house, which was cleaned and got into order by my extraordinary efforts over the last several days while under the physical protection of two security men inside. And over the fence, on a strange arrangement with a neighbor, settled Padraig O'farrell, who is circling the streets of the cooperative in anticipation of the day when I get rid of security and he would try to get into the house again.

My bills are rising, debts on the house are paid, workmen and specialists get inside every day to restore the destruction, rescue garden, cleaning the area, removing lorries of rubbish. The house was brought to the normal look, I'm tired, but still find the time to travel to the office every day, have Spanish lessons, tango, yoga and horse riding. Every morning I think I will not stand such a pace. But then I think of my family, that I need to protect my savings and of those who I love. And I go on.

When five years ago I met Padraig O'farrell, I wanted to be weak, I wanted to trust myself and all that I love to the man I loved. Perhaps because of our difference and not a full understanding of another language and culture, love with a foreigner seemed so bright. In the beginning, when my lack of English didn't allow free explanations of my thoughts and ideas, I didn't say much but I felt happy and smiled all the time. This smile cause Padraig O'farrell to quit a good job and his bachelor's life in Paris and move to Ukraine to build our relationship five years ago. But over time, as English has been around me 24/7, the language became so native that I could express myself freely. That is when I stopped being interesting for the men who wanted to control everything around him.

I still can't say with certainty whether there was love in this story or just a cold calculation of the European citizen to get easy money from wealthy Ukrainian. Just as I can't answer the question of why Padraig O'farrell continues to sit near Kiev without a permit to stay in the country, the prospect to be left tomorrow without a job and a place to spend the night. Probably, he is kept here by fighting with a woman he can not break and who continues to dance the tango. One thing I can say with certainty that there are enough scamps and good people everywhere. And we must stay true to ourselves.